Weekend Writing Warriors #5

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Here’s an 8-sentence excerpt from my flash fiction story, The Mountain Prison. It’s currently waiting for me to get off my butt and start submitting it.

If you’re interested in posting a snippet of your own story yourself or want to read things that other people have written, mosey on over to Weekend Writing Warriors. Every week they have a new sign-up sheet for people interested in showing their work to the world.

– 8-sentenc snippet from The Mountain Prison

He’ll come back for me. I know he will. He wouldn’t leave me here.

Would he?

I can’t move. I can’t breathe. There are too many people. Some have shown a preference for a quick death to escape the slow wasting away from starvation.

– End of Snippet –

It’s hard picking 8 sentences from flash fiction. It’s all so condensed already. And any 8 sentences from this particular one don’t hold up well on their own. They all sounded weird for me. That last sentence in particular is too long when I take those sentences out of context. It doesn’t fit. But oh well.

 

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About Katie St. John-Shin

I believe in living life and not letting it pass you by. I mean, come on, if you really want to do something but don't have the courage to do it so you let the opportunity disappear, you may regret it for the rest of your life. How can you know what you're capable of unless you go for it? Like every writer, I naturally plan on becoming a world-famous writer. I love reading, writing, fitness, coffee, watching my favorite movies/shows, listening to music, and trying new things even if they're sometimes terrifying. I'm a stay-at-home mom, a writer, and a POP Pilates instructor. I didn't think I'd succeed at that last one but I did it! I confronted my fears, dealt with things I didn't want to deal with, and completed the training! POP Pilates classes are coming soon to mid-Nebraska!
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8 Responses to Weekend Writing Warriors #5

  1. Millie Burns says:

    I dunno, worked for me : ) You have me wondering where she is, and why she’s there. Nice quick eight with possibilities : )

  2. This sounds like an interesting story 😀 Is this fantasy or real-life? I’m curious about why she’s there, and also who left her behind. It sounds like the person that left her is a fellow prisoner that is going to get help. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a long sentence interspersed with short ones. It helps break up the pattern, and if anything, enhances it’s effectiveness. Cormac McCarthy alternated between sparse prose and crazy long ones. It works for him 😉 The short sentences convey a sense of urgency. I’m trying to use more of them myself :$

    I think this line is good, but it could be more powerful, “Some have shown a preference for a quick death to escape the slow wasting away from starvation.” I would give an example instead of just stating this as a fact. Something like, “Last week, old-man Jimmy fashioned a shiv out of ___________ and slit his wrists because if he was going to die, it would be on his terms.” I think it would give the reader something concrete to hold onto as well IMO.

    • Thanks 🙂

      It’s fantasy though not a whole lot of detail is given to show that. I was trying to convey a feeling with it, not so much a real story.

      It’s difficult to get into a lot of detail with flash fiction. I like to play with the style to see what I can make from it. Some are good, some are not. 😉

  3. Dramatic, intriguing, I couldn’t resist filling in the story for myself (probably wrong but you gave me so much to think about with your snippet – well done). Really enjoyed the excerpt!

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